Bye,2008.

It's been a dramatic year.
I promised to dad I'd be real this year and now I look back,I was crazy,dumb,in love,innocent,naive,foolish,drunk,immature-these sound pretty real.ha!
And there was you.
I'm going to lower my head and try to take a rest with people I'm really used to.
I don't think I will post another entry till the end of the year.
I'm almost too emotional,I'm a trouble,Sometimes it's hard to just sit and breath..
I'll be back for sure.I'm just exhausted.Got no energy to see and express this world.
So.while I'm not around,I hope you to enjoy my songs.
Again,It's from my own webpage I pay for,don't worry about viruses.
(But it might take long..it's a quite big file)

Here it is.
SKITSCH2008

Again,happy new year,merry Xmas!
Thank you.

Island

There are stories that are true, in which each individual's tale is unique and tragic, and the worst of the tragedy is that we have heard it before, and we cannot allow ourselves to feel it too deeply. We build a shell around it like an oyster dealing with a painful particle of grit, coating it with smooth pearl layers in order to cope. This is how we walk and talk and function, day in, day out, immune to others' pain and loss. If it were to touch us it would cripple us or make saints of us; but, for the most part, it does not touch us. We cannot allow it to.

No man, proclaimed Donne, is an Island, and he was wrong. If we were not islands, we would be lost, drowned in each other's tragedies. We are insulated (a word that means, literally, remember, made into an island) from the tragedy of others, by our island nature, and by the repetitive shape and form of the stories. We know the shape, and the shape does not change. There was a human being who was born, lived, and then, by some means or other, died. There. You may fill in the details from your own experience. As unoriginal as any other tale, as unique as any other life. Lives are snowflakes - unique in detail, forming patterns we have seen before, but as like one another as peas in a pod (and have you ever looked at peas in a pod? I mean, really looked at them? There's not a chance you'd mistake one for another, after a minute's close inspection.)
-Neil Gaiman, American gods,page 345 to 346.





After I heard another short news about another suicide.
And saw myself saying 'people born,people die.'
..Yea I'm an Island.and I feel uncomfortable about it.
Something is wrong.Terribly wrong.
But I have no clue how to fix it. And I also know how powerless,meaningless I am.
..
Something's wrong.Give me a reason or give me something to blame.

Letter D

..While I was watching TV,seeing people who want to get plastic surgery,want to be richer,want to be famous,want to be with someone.

Praying in the name of letter D.






Some might say it's a dream.Yes it can be.
But I.desire.I desire somewhere to rest,a morning waking up in somebody's arms(Somebody I've never met,somebody I could never meet.)
So I wander this cold nights and humming YiSungYol's songs like I'm floating on these pretty sad small city lights.

She dreams/desires too.


기다림-이승열.waiting-Yi Sung Yol.
Thank you.You saved me.You're saving me..

look back.

Stop sighing and look back.
You got people who miss,worry you.
Right.maybe you were in a wrong place.maybe you were staring at wrong direction.
That's why you're so exhausted right now.
So.
Look around.You've got friends.Warm,healthy relationships.


Sorry.I drew this last Sunday but I couldn't find time to upload.
I've been working until 1~2am these last 7~8days.It's been super crazy.I was almost dead.(well..not just because of works,some people at work made me drained)
But luckily I wasn't dead and talk about hope and warmth again.

hope you know

Ssam partly colored

2nd sketch

Rough sketch

You know I used to cry everytime we met.
I could cry in front of you 'cause you were always warm,reliable.
You tried to see the world in my eyes when I talked to you.

You were brushing teeth.You were talking about your mom and dad.And then you started to...
..You know,It was me who always cried.

While you turned your head away and tried to hide that weak shaking,I wanted to give you a hug as you always did to me but I couldn't.
I wanted to tell you 'lay your burden down.'or 'my poor dearest.you're doing your best.'
Instead,all I could do was hesitating behind your back.
And hoped that you know.

Let's not cry anymore,my dearest friend.We're doing well.very well.

Was it you?

nightmare colored(?)

nightmare sketch

B digged the ground and found a big bag.
I asked her if my camera was still inside.
She opened the bag and passed it to me.It was a year ago and this still works I said.
And she took out a skull-rotten but white real human skull-and showed it to me.
Don't you remember?It's T.You and I killed and buried him last year.Remember?B said.
No..I didn't kill anyone,I just knew that you buried my camera.
Suddenly B's eyes turned red.No?you don't remember?It was us.
No.T died on his vacation.He had a heart attack I heard.
WE KILLED HIM.YOU AND I DID-
And B turned to T.
T was laughing with his skull on his hand.

People say that dreams are always in black and white.but in my dream,only me and skull were black and white.


B-was my friend when I was in middle school.I haven't seen her for almost 10years.
T-was the one who died last year.

Because of this strange nightmare,I had to suffer from back/neck pain all day.
Strange and Strong dream..

We fear

3girls inked


3girls 2nd sketch


3girls 1st sketch

Here are 3 girls.
First one,39years old virgin,had 12years younger boyfriend 2 years ago.(that was her 2nd and latest relationship)
Most of her friends are married or divorced.Maybe only these 2 girls now she's with are the last single friends of hers.
She haven't slept with guys but she's heard too many things and seen too many things.
She hasn't felt loneliness for her 39years but she's lonely now.That confuses her.
Suddenly this strange,extremely strong feeling came to her and for the first time in her life,she fears what comes next.

Second one,31years old,everybody loves to hang with her.
She meets lots of new people but in the end,all the guys she's met go to her friend.not she.
And she realized that she's been used by her friend.(Her friend looks better than her in guy's eyes.)
She guesses nobody would fall in love with her.She thinks she's not attractive at all in that way.
She hates to admit but she fears.She fears all the guys who's not interested in her but still can sleep with her.

The last one,29years old,youngest of these three so of course the most fearless.
She's met lots of people.And fell in love this year.
But her love wasn't a nice guy so she tried to forget him but she couldn't.
While she was trying to find the guy's pages on the internet,she found that he's been with another girl while she met,broke up,missed him.
Everything he had done to her was lie.She thought that this kinda situations are only in movies or sick dramas but it happened to her.
She loved to meet people.And now she fears.Now she knows there're really insane people out there.

There're another girls still-30years old,broke up with her boyfriend because of his mother but found that she's pregnant.(and actually lost her father 2months ago.)
29years old,so broke but had to support her parents so got a loan from insurance company.

We don't know what's going to happen to us.
Maybe a better tomorrow is waiting for us.Nobody knows.
But we doubt 'better tomorrow'.

For the first time in our lives..we fear the future.We fear bigger pains,deeper sorrows,fear almost everything what might come next.
..We just get by every single day.

love is here-starsailor

Raw image.I didn't even delete those spots my scanner usually makes.didn't resize also.

If you could see the lover in me,And we could join our hands together
If you could see how good it could be,We'll sing these stupid songs forever

Can you feel it? love is here,It has never been so clear
You can't love what you have not,So hold on to what you've got

Is Judy really smiling for me?I'd change my name in case she found me
Trembling I can't believe,I've got to leave the girl behind me

Can you feel it? love is here,It has never been so clear
You can't love what you have not,So hold on to what you've got

Can you feel it? love is here,It has never been so clear
You can't love what you have not,So hold on to what you've got

If you could see the aching in me,I'd change my name in case you lost me
Trembling down to my knees,I've got to leave the world behind me

Can you feel it? love is here,It has never been so clear
You can't love what you have not,So hold on to what you've got



The last stage of my healing is open up the wounds and show it to the world widely.
And then wait till the whole world sees,then I could be alright.
Yes I've shed tears a lot but maybe not enough.
Yes I thought that I displayed it all but maybe there are some more to open.
What comes next?I don't know.Why does it still hurt?I don't know.
What was it?I don't know.Was I loved?I don't know.

This weather,your name,internet,pictures,haruki's novel,starsailor's song,my body condition..all of these
are fatal.

This is my final fit.final movement.

somebody told me

My image of a house,people,trees.

I was walking down the street last saturday night.
Somebody talked to me so I removed my earphone and said 'yes?'
He said that he's a psychology student and was researching the relations between one's mind and a drawing within house,people,tree.
I thought that he's drunk because there was something strange in his eyes but I said yes and started to draw.

After I finished my drawing he asked me if I wanted to hear his explanation.
His eyes stared me oddly again so I accepted it.
He said-
'I think that you're upset and there's a huge problem with your status right now.
Look at this.It's a monster.(I said-no!it's just a big human and the house is too small for him)Then look at this house.It looks more like an office or something.Do you feel locked up?And the monster/human.you have such a big ego it shows.mm.And this tree is strange.You didn't add branches or fruits.Branches show how complicated your family stories are.And fruits mean how greedy you are.You look pretty greedy.
(I said-my hand got cold and I was bothered to draw them.)Hmm..I'm not an expert but this is..(Me-this is what!?)..interesting.'
And then he gave me thanks and we went to seperate ways.

..was I that easily readable?or I signed him which type I am while he was staring me?

Sickboy meets Sickgirl

Sickboy meets Sickgirl

sketch

It suddenly gets colder today.
I was thinking of drawing something else(a super cute kid I met yesterday) but I failed and then a cold wind reminded me of these sick couple.
I used to sell my own stuffs on my homepage D-gecko.
I sold stickers(9 different designs) and Sickboy and Sickgirl were one of them.
At the start of 21th century,I happened to get a party flier promoted by sickboy production.
I wasn't interested what they're doing but I really liked their name.sickboy.
After a few years I designed stickers and gave this character a name sickboy~
(And his girl,sickgirl)


They were sick and lonely but after they meet,they aren't sick and lonely anymore.
Those two represent 'waiting'and 'meeting'.
And they both came from winter,(that's why I thought of them today)and they are waiting for the spring together.

Sickboy&Sickgirl from 2003 are more rough and energetic while those 2 of 2008 look more warm and comic.

ps-Actually I drew one more sickboy and sickgirl on my jumper,but I can't find it now.If I find it-I'll add a picture of it.

No.she's not

'No.she's not' inked.

sketch

She's not punk.
She's not an artist.
She's not an office worker.
She's not a feminist.

But,she-is punkish than punk,is artistic than artists,works harder than office workers,does believe everybody's rights should be equal.
And always attracted to minor stuffs.

Maybe she's just another kind of loser you haven't seen.
So don't coat me with your prejudices,your expectations.
I'm skitsch.I go my way.

my happy end

W&Whale:우리의 해피엔드(our happy end)



Happy end.colored pencils.

sketch

Finally I was able to say 'don't text me again' to the one who's been making me cry.
And also was able to say 'I had a huge crush on you' to somebody's boyfriend.
And also was able to say 'I need more time' to the one who says I'm beautiful.

So now I know I won't drink alone again,won't be waiting for midnight messages,won't be waiting for the mext meeting,won't say yes while my heart says I don't know.

Thanks for making me a little bit better.

This Autumn has lots of ups and downs..

Asking to the moon

Moon watching re-lined.

Moon watching sketch.


I was watching you and wondered.
Am I doing good now?Why can't I live like you?
What's in this dirty ugly mind?Can't you see it?
Are you proud of me or do I shame you?
Are all these people living like this?
Why am I not interested in good guys?

Then I couldn't stop crying.
Sometimes everything hurts me and I'm too sensitive.

The moon shines.

Friends or foes

Friends or foes inked.

Sketch.

Some of them you call friends block your eyes,ears and limit your move.
You don't know what they're doing to you.
They might don't mean harm.But some of them are poisoning you.
You feel safe.You feel good.But the truth is-You've been hypnotized.
That's where most of the people are at.

I had a friend.Her name is Sundive.She was a very good friend of mine.
We shared lots of dreams.We had have lots of joys and tears.
And one day she left me with this message.
'Sorry,but you make me lie.'
It broke my heart so badly.I was so confused.I didn't do anything wrong I thought.
But after 7years,now I know what she meant.

And I see that kind of situations these days.
And I also think being hypnotized might not be that bad if they don't think/know where they are.
So they can smile and reach out their hands.
-And confuse me.

Where have they gone?

In my 2nd year of highschool(18years old),I met Kwon in the class.
I still remember the first time I saw her drawings.
She was kind of famous for her unique personality and her drawings.
She wasn't studying art,hadn't studied.But her sense and her own style fascinated me.
I still can tell she's the best I've ever met.

From our awkward first meeting,(imagine..18years old me walked to her seat at the first day of a new term and said'I want to see your sketchbook!')
we became very close in an instant.
She has been my best friend,first drawing teacher,bright star of my highschool days.
And then she introduced me a friend of hers,Shin.
That was the start of our history.

We made some characters to represent us,called 'Oohlala'.
mm...I made them up..they looked like this.

(from the left-me,Kwon,Shin)
We used to call ourselves 'Mighty Oohlalas'but the other friends did call us 'stupid trio'.
Some of the other classmates even asked us if we were sisters.
We did almost everything together.
We ate,drew,skipped classes,dreamed,went to comic festivals together.
And 12years passed.(?11years?I'm so bad with numbers)
Now Kwon works for a big company's Management Planning division,
Shin has her own web business,
I'm still drawing at an animation company.

But we still talk and laugh and thank for eachother and dream.
This time,it's not the same dream,but I'm so thankful for having them in my life.
(And I don't doubt they do feel the same)

left-Shin.right-Kwon.Yesterday was Kwon's birthday.


Shin's quick drawing.She just started to sell stuffs online.
She's getting married in December to her cute Japanese boyfriend.Congratulations girl!


Kwon's Oohlala trio.I love this so I watched it over and over.
I have to press her to draw more..Not for me.For her.I know how much happy she is when she draws.And how great it is.

3 of us.


I got warmth I needed,and I'm convinced that I'm doing fine.
Thank you,you two,the home of my soul.

more lonely eyes

Few days ago Dogshit turned on the TV while I was trying to sleep.
(I sleep in front of TV)
He wanted to watch a silly game show and it was 2am so I woke up unpleasantly and said,
'Hey,you.you..your sister is lonely!'
He bursted into laugh and started to make fun of me.

..
Yes,I'm lonely.not because I'm single,not because some of my really good friends are too busy to hang out.
I'm just lonely.Like everyone else on this planet.

So I speak love and draw lonely eyes.

Day too soon

Day too soon-Sia(just click and play)


Day too soon colored

Day too soon sketch(yellow green+light green+red)

I bought Sia's latest album'Some People Have Real Problems' 2months ago in London.
It was a new world.While I was listening to it,I could see scenes,I could feel emotions she wanted to show.
And then I thought,this album will be one of my lifetime OST.

'Day Too Soon'is the 3rd track of the album.And I fell in love from the first second of the song.
I've been wanting to draw it over 2months and tried twice and failed once.
And today I drew and painted it.
Probably I will draw again but now I'm happy that I did this.

These days I feel like I'm becoming non-human being.
But still,I can draw.I can breathe.I can smile when I listen to the music.
And sometimes I wait until it's dark and lonely and then cry too.

I wanted to be a musician.I wanted to be a comfort.
But I draw and only comfort myself..yet.

ps-I really like this drawing.

big holiday(not of mine,of Korea)

ChuSeok(15th August of the lunar calender) is one of the biggest holiday in Korea.
It's similar to Thanksgiving day,Koreans meet their family&relatives and thank the year's harvest and wish luck to the full moon.
This year's holidays were short(just 3 days include Sunday) though.

Anyways.
People like me aren't busy during the holiday so I did---





















Thanks for their energies,Dogshit&EJing.
If you see my eyes(those) on the street,smile for a moment for me!
And I'm going on&on&on.

For more pictures,click here